Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
