Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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