Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
