She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I can't put those talents on a resume
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
