The maid of honor just puked.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
