You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
someone owes me an orgasm
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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