so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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