We're like a lot better than the average bears
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize