it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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