I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
