i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
