I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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