Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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