how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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