I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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