Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
