Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
