I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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