i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
