You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
