I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
