I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
