Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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