My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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