Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
