I hate your face
barbara walters just said penis...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
