Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
