Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
