when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
