You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
