Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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