Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
