He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
