i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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