What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
