the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
