So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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