is your mom at the bar?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We just shotgunned beers for America
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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