it's too hot outside to masturbate.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
