How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
