Michael Bay diarrhea
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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