My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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