a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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