You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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