He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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