I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I supernannyed him into submission
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