ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
