The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
