You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
