So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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