I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
