I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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