just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
