I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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