its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
