Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
