so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
