bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
