I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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