Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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