we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
