i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize