Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
