You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
