theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
